“A big girl who wants attention”
That was a phrase used to describe me when I appeared in an article in the Metro as a result of being mocked for how I looked in a bikini on holiday.
“A big girl who wants attention” was a phrase used over and over again.
Obviously it was upsetting. Not everyone would class me, a UK size 12-14 a ‘big girl’ but some would. It entirely depends on who you’re asking.
But being called big, that’s not what hurt.
What hurt is that people were trying to use my size as an insult. They were trying to say that because of my size, I couldn’t – or shouldn’t – post a bikini picture.
They were saying that because of my size, swimwear wasn’t for me and I deserved to be mocked.
Ultimately, what they were saying was that what had happened was okay because of my size, and by sharing my story online I was just looking for attention.
Yes, it was upsetting at first but now it’s laughable.
Because they’re not wrong. I am a big girl looking for attention (but we’ll get to that in a moment).
But also, you only have to look at how slim girls in swimwear are treated compared to bigger girls in swimwear – or even fully clothed – to get a vague understanding of just how hard it is to navigate this world when you’re bigger than a size 10. Hardly any of these skinny girls in swimwear are called attention seekers, they’re just praised!
But it’s not really surprising, is it? With women like Jameela Jamil acting as the leading voice on ‘body positivity’ it’s no wonder that a movement founded by and for fat people now only extends to those up to a size 10, 12 at most.
And what happens when people think body positivity extends to a 12 at most? Anyone bigger than that becomes excluded – once again.
Why shouldn’t big girls want attention?
Everyone in the world wants attention in one form or another.
Whether you’re posting a selfie, checking in at the hospital on Facebook or telling your partner “nothing’s wrong” when something really is wrong, we all crave some kind of attention.
Why should that exclude big girls?
If a slim girl posts a photo in a bikini, she’s automatically flooded with compliments; fire emojis, love hearts and #goals. But a bigger girl – or, dare I say it – a fat girl uploads a swimwear picture, it’s a different story. In my case, I’ve been called an attention seeker, a whale, told that they feel sorry for my boyfriend waking up next to me every morning… and had my picture removed by Instagram for breaking a mysterious, unlisted Community Guideline.
I’m a big girl who wants attention.
These strangers online tried to fling this at me like an insult, but the irony is that it’s true.
Because I do want attention. I want all eyes on me; I want all mouths talking about me.
What I really want is for everyone to see a chubby girl with gorgeous curves in daring swimwear that everyone only sees on teeny tiny girls. I want people to find me on their Instagram explore page and follow me because they feel inspired, and I want people to share my photos and spread the word about the work I do.
But what I really want is for everyone to know what I’m doing and how I’m doing it and to share it far and wide.
Yes, I’m a shameless attention seeker – but I’m also on a mission.
Branding myself a “self love guru and body confidence booster” means helping other people feel good in the skin they’re in is the number one goal. More than anything, I want everyone to learn to love themselves and feel confident in their body the way that I do. I want people to stumble across my newsletter, my podcast, my social media and leave feeling empowered, inspired, and confident.
Creating a world where women – and everyone else – love themselves, no matter what is my goal.
Because self love and body confidence is important. People might not think that these two things matter, but they do. Life is very miserable without them. People slide into my DM’s asking for help and advice on almost a daily basis and some of the stories I hear break my heart. That’s why helping people learn to love themselves is so important to me.
I want people to hear what I say and I want what I say to make a difference.
To complete this mission, I need the attention.
Attention that comes from sharing pictures of myself in clothes made for “slim girls”. Clothes fat people are told they can’t, or shouldn’t, wear. Clothes people my size might not feel so confident in. I want to look how people tell me I shouldn’t, and encourage other women to do the same.
Because why should society tell fat people what they can and can’t wear, who they can and can’t be? Why should fat people, or indeed anyone over a size 10, be told their body isn’t acceptable? No one should have to sit and suffer insults and shame and embarrassment for posting a selfie in a bikini.
No one is going to bring me down.
I don’t care what people think of my body. I’m not bothered by people who see me in swimwear and tell me I need harpooning. It doesn’t phase me when people tell me I look like I need throwing back in the sea. And I still don’t care when people tell me I have saggy boobs, ugly hip dips or a double chin.
Not one flying fuck is given, because I love myself. I love myself.
Nobody else needs to love my body because I love my body, and nobody else’s opinion of me matters. As long as I’m happy with my body, how I look and how I feel, that’s what counts. No one else matters.
Women paved the way for me… I want to pave the way for more
When the Metro shared my story, it was so no one else would have to feel the way I was made to feel on holiday.
People shouldn’t be too scared to wear swimwear for fear of what other people might think, and people definitely shouldn’t let silly little boys and grown men still living with their mothers affect their life in any kind of way.
There are women who came before me and paved the way; Megan Crabbe, The Slumflower, Grace Victory, Stephanie Yeboah, Michelle Elman…
These women have helped so many people with their work. They have been brave and strong and stood up to be accepted and done incredible things for society that inspire me on a daily basis.
Wonderful women have paved the way for me, and taught me how to love my body, defeat diet culture and overcome society’s standards. Now it’s my turn to do the same.
I’m a big girl that wants attention. This can only happen with attention.
People tried to tell me I wanted attention like it was a bad thing. But as a result of them commenting on my post, even in a negative way, sharing my story even as a joke, they helped me get that attention. As a result of their actions, all of it increased my traffic and engagement. They drove people to my page and helped spread my message.
The trolls who told me I wanted attention gave me the attention they were mocking me for.
Trolls won’t stop me from spreading my message. No one can stop me from helping other women to break free of society’s standards, get out of the vicious cycle of dieting and hating yourself and learning to love yourself instead.
And you know what they say…
People will always talk. May as well give them something to talk about, hey?
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