Being fat and enjoying food

Being fat and enjoying food is basically the title of my autobiography. It’s the story of my life. It’s an accurate description of the person I am.

Or maybe not.

I’ve had a complex relationship with food and body image for almost my whole life. Growing up, I always felt bigger than I was, often leading to me skipping meals and avoiding food, only to end up unhealthily overeating later because the hunger was real. Then I’d feel revolting and the vicious cycle would start all over again.

Now, at a size 12-14, I’m not what most people would call fat. I have a chubby belly that protrudes over the waistband of anything that isn’t high waisted. I have several rolls when I sit down. I’m probably what most people would call ‘chubby’. To some people, I am fat.

I’ve spent the last two years or so learning to love myself, becoming body confident and trying to resolve my body image issues, and to some degrees, that’s been a success. I really love the skin I’m in, and whilst I do have some wobbles now and again (don’t we all?), I can quite confidently say that 95% of the time, I think I’m a flawless goddess who doesn’t need to change for anyone or anything. If someone thinks I’m fat, so what? I think I’m banging. Who’s to say the two are mutually exclusive anyway? It is possible to be fat and sexy you know.

Things change when food is brought into the equation

I’ve put on a bit of weight recently. I’m still a size 12-14 (more often a 14 now) and I am oh so aware that my belly is bigger than usual. To some extent, I don’t care. I exercise regularly, I eat my five a day, I drink lots of water. Basically, I’m as healthy as can be, regardless of being – in the words of Bridget Jones – just a little bit fat.

I didn’t realise that my body, or my weight, was really impacting my mental health until I noticed a change in mine and my boyfriend’s date nights. Let me provide you with some context…

We’re both massive foodies. We love to eat, and we love to eat well. Thanks to Meerkat Movies (#notanad) we can eat with a 2-for-1 voucher at a tonne of places for date night each week. When we go out, because we love food and have a voucher, we usually get four starters to share. It’s like a starters tapas. The foodie in me revels in doing this and I love getting to eat so much delicious food. It might sound greedy to some, having four starters, but whatever – we eat well, we eat what we like, we love food.

So what’s this change I mentioned? Ah, yes. I have noticed on the last few date nights we’ve had, I have been too embarrassed to order my own food. Seriously! I have point blank refused to do it. Instead, I’ve made Jonny order it for me, because he literally gives no shits. I sit there, refusing to make eye contact with the waiter/waitress and wait until they leave the table before resuming conversation with Jonny and acting ‘normal’ again. The embarrassment returns when the food is brought over to our table. I physically cringe.

To quote Bridget Jones, “yes, I will always be just a little bit fat!”

I don’t want the waiter/waitress to judge me for ordering two starters, I don’t want them to give me the judgemental once over, noticing that I’m “just a little bit fat” and ordering more food than I probably should. Despite claiming to feel comfortable in the skin I’m in, I feel ashamed ordering more food than is standard when I know my body is bigger than is standard (standard basically being size 0 in our society).

The funny thing is, the waiter/waitress probably couldn’t care less. As far as I’m aware, I’ve never even had a judgemental waiter/waitress. They probably love that we’re spending more money so leave a bigger tip for them, or maybe they’re totally indifferent. Regardless, I can’t help it – I feel so ashamed, so embarrassed, sick to the pit of my stomach until we’ve devoured our starters and I can forget that segment of the meal is over.

How fucking sad is that?

It’s sad, but it’s not surprising. I have been shamed for enjoying food almost my whole life.

When I was younger, we used to have ‘party teas’ at home – kind of like an indoor picnic. There’d be bowls of crisps, party rings, cocktail sausages, finger food basically. I would fill a plate, eat, refill and maybe even refill again. Every time my plate was loaded, I would have someone in my family pass a comment about how much food I was consuming. On several occasions I remember being called greedy and a pig, from as young as seven.

Growing up, I was always criticised for how fast I eat. I’d clear my plate way ahead of anyone else at the table, and always felt hungry after meals. I figure now my parents were just giving me too-small portions.

Once, my Dad shouted at me across the table telling me the way I ate food made me look like a giraffe. On numerous occasions, extended family members referred to me as a ‘growing girl’.

We had to eat what we were given and couldn’t leave the table until we did. Frequently I would eat things from my sisters plate when my parents weren’t looking so she wouldn’t get in trouble. Once, I sat at the table for an hour, crying whilst being forced to eat blueberries. To this day they still make me gag.

Add to this the fact that we were only allowed to eat chocolate on Wednesdays and Sundays – and this privilege was taken away should we misbehave – and it’s really no wonder that I grew up to have such a complex about food, about eating.

Fat people can enjoy food

So now what?

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. Like I’ve said, I’m a size 12-14, many people wouldn’t even consider me to be ‘fat’. But if I’m judged for my eating habits and how much food I enjoy, imagine people who are larger than me and how they may be judged?

Fat people can enjoy food. You don’t only get to enjoy food if you’re a slimmer person. Fat people don’t only have to eat salads and try to lose weight and be on a never ending toxic cycle of diets. Sometimes – in fact, I’d say more often than not – fat people want to enjoy a whole pizza to themselves because they can and because it’s delicious… just like a slim person can do. Not all fat people want to shrink themselves and be smaller, living off salads and diet shakes. Some fat people just want to enjoy good food – and they deserve too!

If you’re judging someone for how much they’re eating – whether too much or too little – ask yourself why. Why do you care? What business of yours is it? We live in a world that judges everyone for everything they do. We’re always focusing on other people’s lives instead of our own. What someone else is eating is literally none of your concern. Similarly, what someone else is ordering is none of your business. Some people love food, some don’t. Some people suffer from illnesses, allergies, ED’s. Other people’s plates are none of your business.

Maybe I’m fat, maybe I’m not. Either way, I will always love food.

It’s easy to say that I’m done being shamed about how much I eat. Whilst I have overcome it among friends and family, I’m still working on it when it comes to eating out. We have another date night next week… maybe then I’ll order my own food and feel zero shame in eating what I like.

Love from, Florence Grace