Leaning into motherhood

Hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Motherhood has really made time fly for me.

You mean to do something within a couple of days or weeks and suddenly half a year has passed. Nowadays, time seems to be going faster than ever; as well as motherhood, I put it down to various lockdowns and being older too. Those factors combined seem to turn years into months, months into weeks, weeks into days and days into a mere handfuls of minutes.

Anyway, I digress. I’m here to say hello!

Blogging has always been my lifeline, almost a form of therapy for me, for seven years now! It saw me launch my career, it helped me through a horrendous breakup, it allowed me to share my experiences of being in an abusive relationship and then it helped me to share my life as I started over. Not to mention the amazing friends I’ve made through blogging, who continue to be some of my very best friends today.

I truly love blogging.

Since becoming a mum in May 2020 though, I haven’t had much time for it – and it’s not for a lack of wanting to. I just really haven’t had the time.

Bigger than that, though, is that I haven’t had the words.

In the last 18 months I have gone through a lot. More than I can even begin to articulate here.

The biggest thing to deal with, though, was feeling like I’d lost myself. I didn’t recognise who I was and I had no idea who I wanted to be…and that meant I had very little to say about it all, over here, on my blog.

But I’ve finally started leaning into motherhood and discovering who I am.

It’s taken almost 18 months to get here, but recently, it all just seemed to fall into place. Something clicked inside my head.

I’m a mum.

Okay, okay, I obviously knew I was a mum. My baby was living proof of that! But I was never keen to be a mum. You know what I mean? I didn’t want people to look at me and see a big sign saying “she’s a mum” floating over my head. I didn’t want to appear ‘mumsy’.

But why the hell not?

Growing up, and right up until I gave birth (and even beyond!) “mumsy” was such a negative adjective, the worst thing you could be if you had children. You know, you’d try on an outfit and go “does this look a bit mumsy?”

If the answer was yes, then the outfit was a no.

And with this in mind, I tried to defy being a “mum” for so long. I loved my son but I was adamant I wasn’t going to let me being a mum consume who I was completely. Almost defiantly, I posed in lingerie on Instagram just weeks postpartum, I wore giant hoops everyday even when my son wanted to tear them out. I wore sexy skin tight clothes and continued to blab on about self love and body confidence, as if motherhood wasn’t happening to me. I even made my boyfriend promise me he wouldn’t let me become a mummy blogger.

Yet here I am, becoming exactly that.

And I love it. Who could have guessed that?

What’s so wrong with being a mum anyway?

Why are so afraid to lean into motherhood? Why is being ‘mumsy’ a bad thing, when really, becoming a mum is a truly incredible thing?

When I was on our first family holiday in September, it all just clicked into place for me.

When we were having breakfast on the beach, and when I was holding his hand as he took his first unsteady steps in the sand. As I watched him run around at the zoo, or ride on the train for the first time. For me, it was completely overwhelming. The realisation that this was my life now, and that it was exactly how I wanted it to be.

I have always wanted to be a mum. I was always the ‘mum’ to my friends, looking after them all and dishing out advice. And I wanted my own baby for so long, so badly.

So why had it taken me so long to lean into motherhood? Why had I been trying to deny this huge part of my life, my identity?

It comes down the stigmatisation of motherhood, the way society treats and views mothers. Because mothers aren’t seen as being multifaceted beings with interests and goals and ambition. Mothers should be at home with the children and nothing else, according to society.

But it’s 2021, not 1901. Women, whilst still not having complete equality in the world, do have more rights than ever before. We want careers, we want to pursue interests and hobbies outside of having children. And it’s totally okay.

Leaning into motherhood: You can be more than a mum

I think, for so long, I was so caught up on this “if I’m a mum people will think XYZ about me” that it stopped me fully embracing motherhood, which is really sad to think about. I feel sad for myself!

I struggled for so long trying to find the balance between being Flo and being a mum, before I realised that actually, I wanted to be both. And I could be!

When I came back from our holiday, everything was suddenly clearer to me. Having a week away from everything, just to be with my little family, gave me that new perspective I really needed.

I wanted to take all the best parts of “Flo” – my creativeness, my love of reading, my “extra”-ness, my love of fashion and music, and I wanted to pour it all into motherhood.

And I am!

Weekly play set ups allow me to be creative, and are always focussed around a book which encourages my son’s love of reading – something he has enjoyed since he was old enough to look at a book on his own anyway!

We listen to music and dance together, it’s one of his favourite things to do.

I make him monthly seasonal celebration baskets which are perceived as “extra” and also allow me to be creative.

I take updating his wardrobe very seriously, and he is always complimented on his clothing, allowing me to share my love of fashion.

Somewhere along the way, Flo and Mum became one.

There’s still time to be me

Of course, having ‘me time’ is still important. I go to yoga, go out with friends, have date nights with Jonny, making sure I still have time that does draw me out of motherhood to enjoy being Flo, even just for a short while.

But I’m different now, because I’ve learned how to lean into motherhood.

Finally, 18 months later, I am in a great headspace and am finally understanding who I am and want to be.

I am Flo, a mother.

I am me, but also his.

The two go hand in hand, and whilst sometimes we blur to become one, we sometimes separate when necessary too.

Being a mother doesn’t mean forgetting who I was and wanted to be. Being ‘Flo’ doesn’t mean rejecting motherhood.

There’s a fine balance but I think I’ve finally found it. I’ve got my groove back and it feels so good!

So… here’s to the new me. The mum.

Let’s see where this takes me!

Love from, Florence Grace